So, it’s been a while.
I wasn’t really planning on updating again, but looking back on things from the distance of six countries and four months, I didn’t want the previous post to be my last. It’s too scattered, sad, and messy to be a fitting sendoff for my time in Korea. The past three years deserve better — as does this blog.
Today is November 21st. Exactly three years ago today, I met Bacon, and exactly two years ago to the day, by some eerie coincidence or internal clock, I asked him to be my boyfriend.
Back in Korea, we had dinner with one of Bacon’s friends and his new girlfriend. She was asking how we met, and when we told her, she asked if it was love at first sight. I don’t believe in that kind of thing, but we did both look at each other for a second, smiled, and said yes.
I don’t think it was love — but it was something different, for me. At that point in my life, I was single and happy to be that way. The only thing I was looking for was a hook up or a friend with benefits kind of situation. Yet I remember being horrified when a friend drunkenly suggested I invite Bacon back to my place. And I remember how sad I was when we shook hands that night and he went down the stairs to the subway and I went out to the street to look for a cab. I was also equally horrified when another friend suggested I seduce him on my last night in Korea that year.
When I left him at the airport that time, after we kissed for the first time, I was devastated again, and I said, on this blog, that that feeling is what keeps me from ever wanting relationships. I spent a lot of time at home between those two jobs, and the longer I spent at home, the more I shut down those feelings. If it was this hard after knowing the guy for three months, how hard would it be to get on the next plane after spending another 12 months in his company?
When I came back to Korea, I held him at arm’s length. I said things about him I’m not proud of. I tried my hardest to shut that whole thing down and talk myself out of it, out of him. But I couldn’t, and I didn’t, and after waffling about it for five months, we did finally end up together.
There was still a lot of hesitation on my end. Lots of things to think about and the big scary Future looming ahead of us. Sometimes it got the better of me and we would fight. I would accuse him of ridiculous things, I would suggest just breaking up now. But we never did. All that ever happened was that I learned the valuable lesson of never storming out of your apartment during monsoon season without an umbrella.
Those doubts and fears are now, for the most part, gone. When a former friend pressed me about our future and did I want to marry him, I panicked and stressed. But now, when people ask me, I just shrug and say maybe. Within the next year, depending upon our visa situations, we might HAVE to. I remember my mom asking if this was a serious relationship and the feeling of dread that question and those words inspired. But now, if people ask, I say yes, of course, we’ve been together for two years.
I’m not saying I’m beyond all of the fears and all of the issues I have with commitment. When I first started this trip, Bacon missed the hell out of me and told me that, often. But I was too busy getting my scuba certification, eating all of the Vietnamese food I could shove into my mouth, swimming in waterfalls, and climbing through ancient ruins to spend too much time thinking about how I felt. That caused me to worry, because I wasn’t missing him. But now that things have slowed down, now that it’s the very tail end of my trip, I do miss him. Greatly. I recognized that I wasn’t pushing him away again, I was just busy, and I’ve since relaxed about things again. For now.
We’ve had to spend his birthday, Pepero Day, and our anniversary apart. But in ten days, we’ll be together again, although only for a week. And then the really long stretch of being apart will kick in. This time, I’m confident we’ll make it through.
I don’t know if all of our plans of grad school and Europe will work out, and I don’t know if we’ll stay together forever and ever. But the idea of that is no longer as terrifying to me as it once was. It’s actually kind of nice to think about a future with him and us and a cat and a flat. (But never any kids. Don’t worry. I haven’t changed THAT much.)
This blog has chronicled my time in Korea, my relationship with Bacon, and my own changes into adulthood and dealing with an adult relationship. I’m glad that I’ve kept it, through the good and the bad, and I am sad to see it go. But my time in Korea is over, and this blog was created solely for my time in Korea and my relationships there. I’ll never delete it or privatize my entries, so in case anyone every wants to go back and read through it all, no worries; it’s there. But it’s going to effectively become inactive. I’ll stop checking my emails here as well within the next month.
I don’t know if I’ll start a new blog or if I’m just done with blogging, although anonymity prevents me from telling most of you the answer to that question. Unless we have an established relationship already, I won’t be sharing the link if it does happen.
But I do want to thank everyone for reading, commenting, emailing. I never thought this blog would get anywhere near as big as it did. I’m thankful for what it became and the changes it made to my time in Korea. So thanks, Tumblr, for sticking with me and giving me advice and just being here. It’s been a great ride overall.