The Future.
So, what’s going on?
Things with Bacon are better. It was less of a rough patch for us and more of just a rough patch for me. Which I’m still going through. I think winter vacation is putting me through the wringer because I have absolutely nothing to do. It’s too cold to do anything outside, and I am borderline broke this month, and everyone else is busy. So I’m just feeling isolated, alone, bored, useless, apathetic, restless, antsy, and just nothing good in general. The last time I felt happy was over a week ago, when I found out my mom is coming to visit me. Everything since then has been a general flatline of blaaaaaah and boredom and isolation. I wake up at 11, go to work from 1:00 until 3:30, come home at 4, and do nothing of any use for the next 12 hours. Go to sleep, wake up, and repeat. The only person who talks to me is Bacon. The only person who spends time with me is Bacon. And it just sucks. I feel stagnant and antsy, and I want to get out of Korea. I could start planning for The Future, but seeing as how even cleaning my bathroom or putting clean clothes away is too burdensome and daunting for me, how just writing a blog post takes too much effort from me, I really haven’t been able to muster up the energy or willpower to start really thinking about or planning it.
Hence the fights with Bacon. Because when he asks about The Future, I don’t have answers for him.
My plan is to leave Korea at the end of this contract, which is up in August. I’ll then backpack around Southeast Asia for a few months, go back to the States for a while, go to Europe for the wedding of one of my BFFs, and then go to grad school in Europe in the fall of 2013. At this point in time, the plan is for Bacon to go to grad school in the same city. This is all a hugely vague plan, and there are many, many problems that need to be solved, such as figuring out what the hell I want to study, taking tests, researching schools, planning out a long trip, and finalizing things here. Not to mention researching visas (the rules for which seem to be changing every goddamn month) for this particular country, getting together all the necessary paperwork, and budgeting my finances accordingly.
Some of you reading this might have noticed one other giant question mark: Bacon and I won’t see each other for over a year. And that’s why I freak out when asked about The Future. It’s not the future, like six months down the line. When Bacon and I talk about The Future, it’s over a year and a half down the line, the majority of which will be spent apart.
Bacon and I have known each other for two years, and we’ve been dating for only one of those. So a year is a long time to be apart. And I’m really scared about what can happen in a year. My biggest fear is not that he’ll break up with me. It’s that I’ll want to break up with him while we’re apart. Or, worse, that once we get back together, it just won’t be the same. I don’t want to hurt him like that, but I also don’t want to be stuck in a platonic relationship. I’ve seen that happen to others, and I don’t want that.
Thinking that far ahead at this point in time seems ridiculous, but Bacon’s got to start planning. He has to take English proficiency tests and crap like that. We both have to start applying in the fall, and that requires getting a lot of paperwork in order. We can postpone talking about the future for a little bit, sure, but not for that long.
I’ve decided that I’m going to tell him to apply to schools not just in the country that I want to go to but also in Canada. That way at least he has a backup, should I be the asshole who just can’t hack a long-distance relationship and thus destroys his own plans. That, at least, has me feeling slightly better. But it’s still a lot weighing upon me, and it’s coming at a time when I’m already feeling not so great.
So basically, everything sucks, but my relationship is all right again for the time being. Yay?
